Sexual Perversions in Advertising Should Not Be So Obvious

Those who review movies or consumer products of any kind--Critics-- aim, in their reviews to be both informative and entertaining. Some review for amusement(See the Internet Movie Database, Amazon.com, or any internet message board for the works of these Unknown-Reviewer-Poets) and some make a living at it. Invariably, the messages a Critic formulates are influenced by his likes, beliefs, prejudices, and unconscious issues. The scathing hatred, stupidity, intelligence, or ignorance of a Critic is usually demonstrated in his reviews--consciously--but at times, things creep out from their words that may alert us to a sickness of fetish lurking somewhere within them that maybe even they are not aware of. Take the review of the Macbook Air below, which was found on Apple's start page:

*My comments in italics*


The sexiest computer ever²

Lately, the word sexy is often used adjectivally in describing products or jobs that are considered attractive, not always due to looks. For example a job at an investment bank could be consided "sexy" even though the person who holds that job may be overweight and unnatractive. It's just got that certain I don't know what. I'll accept his use of the phrase here, but I am already weary of this reviewer and worried that he may be a sexual deviant.

³It¹s like nothing you¹ve ever laid your hands on,² says National
Geographic¹s Steve Casimiro (ngadventure.com) of the MacBook Air.

Okay, this sentence is only moderately weird, considering the phrase "laid your hands on" could be figurative which could mean: to be around something or to acquire something among many others, or literal. This is the part has me slightly worried. It is a thin rectangular metal object, why is that impressive? The perversion is elaborated further below:


³And yes,
you have to lay your hands on it to get the full effect.²

So he meant it literally. The feel of a cold, flat, metal object is a pleasing tactile experience? Why?


It has, he notes,
³ the heft of a leather portfolio, the dimensions of a design magazine, and
the cool-to-the-touch exterior of some exotic metal.²

"The heft of a lether portfolio?" I am picturing a woman in the nineteen fiftees with her hands on her hips and head cocked to one side saying seductively "That's quite the heft in your portfolio there... my... is that leather?"

"The dimensions of a design magazine" I am not impressed by this. Is it what is contained within the design magazine that makes it's dimensions as opposed to the similar dimensions of a non-design magazine important?

"Cool-to-the-touch exterior of some exotic metal." I am seeing a very sick person running his hands over the Macbook Air and having a spontaneous orgasm. It would be wise to keep the author of this review far away from publicly displayed art in major cities which is often fashioned from metal.


MacBook Air, Casimiro
concludes, ³is the future now.²

So, the future is a thin computer? I understand what you mean, but seriously--that's really fucking shitty... I am depressed now.