Black Tie Comfortable

A recent study conducted by Michigan State University researchers has concluded that the number of people who describe themselves as "Just as comfortable at a backyard barbecue as at a Black-tie event" has reached an all time high. But Before you go out and invest in a tuxedo rental business, I think you should hear what one MSU researcher has to say.
Carmela Cianfrocco of MSU stated: "While the number of people comfortable in a wide variety of social settings has risen, it seems that, as I concluded from our data, that the number of actual black-tie events has not risen." This of course begs the question: are the black tie events simply inviting more people than they were in the past? Cianfrocco says no, though she did go on to say that the number of backyard barbecue was actually decreasing. "We attrribute less backyard barbecues to the economy. With rising fuel costs trickling down to the consumer in the from of higher meat costs, and food in general really. Our research has concluded that because so many people have backyards, they feel comfortable barbecuing in them."
But what is to explain this mysterious rise in people just as comfortable at Black-tie events, as backyard barbecues? Also on the rise, people who are "Just as comfortable in a pair of flip flops, as they are in Jimmy Choos; those that are just as comfortable at dive-bars as they are in jazz clubs. Cianfrocco added: "This could be a good thing for the world. It could mean that people are more flexible, and have broader horizons, but on the flip side of that, and this is where the University has been trying to censor me--it could also be that a higher number of people are completely full of shit. That's really what I think it is. (she moved into a mocking tone, presumably, mocking those who she now describe, her voice took on a far-off, almost sedate quality which is often used when a person is making fun of someone they feel is delusionally stupid) These same people that claim to be so damn flexible and open to all the possibilies that exist on the horizon, well let me tell you something-- and we lost at least 15 study participants because of this one--look I just quit smoking when we did the damn study. When these fucking enlightened beings that have never been to a black-tie event in their lives are claiming to be have in them the ability to be some fuckin' bell-of-ball cinderall-- I ask them why I wouldn't find them in certain places. They'd first give me a politically correct answer about it being far away, or something else completely superficial. And they aren't used to questioning themselves even--so you ask them another question and you see those rusty wheels of thought that are so rarely used in their little heads, and they lead themselved deeper into this pit. And at the bottom of this pit is their own stupidity and complete delusional hypocrisy.... I really had fun with this survey"

Dr. Carmela Cianfrocco, a woman truly after my own heart.

I am The Champion...

Of the World. In Caffeine Consumption. Bow before me; look upwards fromst thou genuflection; layeth thine gaze upon thy rapid rise and fall of my left pectoral; a sure sign that on this day, my heart truly gave everything it had. It would like to thank espresso shots number one and two for their excellent work in taking the edge off of a Monster energy drink consumed only one hour before. Shots number 3-6 also deserve mention, as does Monster number 2. The combined effort of all was practically a clinic for those seeking real-life examples of diverse entities coming together and combining their varied strengths for the ultimate in invisible-body-chemisty symbiosis. And -- it was done with style.